i just got done watching the season 1 finale of My Life as Liz. she graduated. she moved to new york. 

it really got me thinking. if i wasn’t in starbucks at the time, i would have started crying. i really cannot imagine how i will react to leaving this place. she described moving on from your hometown like getting rid of an old couch. there are stains and tears and it’s just a nasty couch, but you’ve had it forever and it’s safe and comfortable…you just hate to get rid of it, but it’s just time to move on. that kind of description speaks to me.

i recently came out to my parents and my only regret is not waiting until later. now they are worried about me and what i’ll do with my life. they think it’s wrong. i understand that and respect their opinion. i really couldn’t have expected any other reaction, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been hard. now i feel as if i lack their support. they question my reasoning behind my life decisions - ‘is he choosing this BECAUSE he’s bi?’ or ‘is he choosing this because he’s Ryder?’

it’s a valid question.

people tend to make decisions for their life based on identity. it’s tough to distinguish, even for myself, what factors guide my life. i mean, i of all people should know why i choose things. but i don’t. 

it’s about what’s right for me, isn’t it? how could my parents have such a different version of what’s right for me, than i do? i mean, i’ve been heavily influenced by them all of my life - just like every other kid. we are products of our parents’s parenting style. we seek their approval.

but this post isn’t about them. it’s about me. my future. my time.

it’s interesting to note that i’ve distanced myself from a couple of people this year. i never wanted my senior year to be one filled with drama. it just happened that way. there really isn’t a reason it should be filled with drama, but others had another idea. i think me distancing myself from this person in particular led to a lot of negative things. but not for me. i think i have grown in the absence. i’ve needed it. i needed to not be held back by previous assumptions. do i still want to be away from this person? i think so. it’s just a negative force that i don’t want to see again. 

on that note, this year i am graduating.

in just a few weeks, my high school life will be over. and it’s scares the shit out of me. 

it means college. it means relationships. it means never seeing 97% of these people i’ve seen every day for the past 4+ years ever again. 

for a while, i said i couldn’t wait to get out of this ‘hell hole’. now that i am on my way out, i feel as if i don’t have enough time. i mean, i will only be in savannah. it’s 6 hours from home. it’s not like i’m across the country. i can always come back and see the people i love, but my life is seriously going to change in so many ways. i can’t even begin to..what is this…i don’t even. (but no really.)

it’s hard to describe how this end makes me feel. i hate it when things end. even bad things. i’ve always lived dreading the end of anything - rarely ever enjoying life, i guess. i don’t know if i am ready, but i do know that no one and no thing is going to wait until i am. 

i have a whole new respect for my brother. he may not approve of me (just like my parents), but he was here once. at a giant crossroads in life. and i couldn’t hope to understand that 8 years ago.