i’ve made a big mistake.

i’m an idiot. i knowingly got ‘involved’ with someone who has a reputation for being misleading/confusing/a dick.

also, he’s straight.

but that didn’t really stop anything.

until some people found out, then he was all of a sudden worried about what people would think of him

because, you know, he’s straight.

then he said that i got all ‘awkward’ with him because i obviously developed feelings.

i mean, when we hang out… it’s a lot of fun.

he says that he doesn’t care how he acts around me because usually guys have to act ‘straight in a weird way’. thus, when its just me and him, i’m pretty sure it’s the real him. and that’s really gratifying that someone could do that around me but not other people.

the other night we took a drive to this mountain behind Shorter College and just stood there for hours talking and staring out into dark foothills. we had the best talks, listened to Toro y Moi, and smoked American Spirits. it was fucking perfect.

then we went to see toro y moi live at the masq. later in the week and it was AWESOME. he had never heard of them before me and now he completely loves them.

and when we first hung out, we watched twin peaks - my favorite tv show. he pretty much fucking loves the show now.

it’s weird. this is one of the first guys i have been my complete self around at all times, and we share similar tastes in topics of discussion, tv, and music. 

he’s scary smart. like, really fucking smart. 

but i made the mistake of getting emotionally attached. and i kind of saw his true colors, but he has this power over me.

if i feel angry at him, or hurt, he talks to me and then i’m perfectly fine and i don’t even care about any of it. then i leave him or whatever, and 2 things happen:

1) i miss him almost immediately.

2) any unrest i had with him returns after a gradual period of loneliness, because i didn’t actually talk to him about anything that i wanted to discuss.

so i’m frustrated. and sad. but i’ve gotta move on, though i feel as if the only way to do that is to find someone else. why can’t i just be single for like ever, again? why do i need that human attraction to spend my energy on?